Step By Step: SG1 Style
by BookFreak
Summary: Prequel to When You Let a PMSing Chocoholic Plan a Mission . . . Sam steals Janet's boyfriend. Jack brings some evidence to Janet, who gets her revenge...but that would ruin the surprise. PG-13 for language. Please R
1. Legal and Admin stuff

Step By Step: SG-1 Style  
  
by BookFreak  
  
Pairing: None  
  
Rating: PG-13 (for language)  
  
Category: Humor  
  
Disclaimer: I make no claim to ownership of any copyrighted items used within this story, not even the plot because I basically stole that from a TV show. I receive no compensation, monetary or otherwise, for the creation or publication of this short story.  
  
Feedback: PLEASE DO!!! Scale of 1-10 is fine as always. Just REVIEW!  
  
Summary: I just saw this episode of "Step by Step," a 1990s rerun wherein Dana "steals" Karen's boyfriend while "scouting" him and Karen gets her revenge. I just couldn't help wondering how it would play out with SG-1.  
  
Notes: Somehow the ellipsis (the three little periods) didn't make through the ff.net PHP, so whenever you see a capitalization problem, like "Um.so?" that's not a capitalization problem, that's where ff.net chopped an ellipsis short.  
  
Jack uses the curse "ta ma'd[ellipsis]" That's a Chinese phrase to the effect of "His/Her/Its [Chinese does not differentiate between the genders in spoken conversation, although the written characters are different] mother[ellipsis]" and is used for references to one's family, especially on the lines of "mother****" or "mother****ing[and whatever the speaker wishes to include]" It does NOT, despite the rumors, mean "Yo mama" nor is it a dedicated curse. That is, it can be used in a different context in polite conversation. For example, "His mother's hair" would be "ta ma'd tou fa" and is not in any way insulting.  
  
Jack also makes a reference to methanol poisoning. This is because alcohol [read: ETHANOL] is produced as the result of various chemical reactions and your body has enzymes to break it down. When you consume methanol, however, the enzyme will try to break that down, but because it is designed for ethanol it will produce nasty by-product(s) that will poison your body.  
  
Believe it or not, the approved method for treating methanol poisoning is to give the guy more alcohol. Because the enzyme is designed for and thus has a greater affinity for ethanol, they just keep you drunk [read: your enzymes safely occupied with ethanol] until your methanol passes out via your urine. I would not recommend poisoning yourself to get free ethanol.  
  
Domestic administering of the ethanol is contraindicated because if you're stupid enough to drink methanol in the first place, it isn't a good idea to trust you to find safe ethanol. Moreover, if you go to a hospital, they'll stick a fat [think knitting needle] needle directly into your vein and administer the alcohol intravenously, so it gets into your system faster. 


	2. The Story

"Sam, it's not difficult, you know."  
  
"Y-yes it IS difficult, thank you very much!" Carter snapped back, looking shocked.  
  
"It's not as if I asked you to go interrogate him!"  
  
"Gee.interests, favorite foods, restaurants, clothing, hobbies, colors.sure sounds like that to me," Carter replied sarcastically.  
  
"Be kind, Sam."  
  
"I'm not going to be swayed by your little puppy eyes."  
  
"I'll get the colonel to get you those naquadah ingots."  
  
She hadn't even finished speaking before Carter shook her hand. "Deal."  
  
* * *  
  
"Okay, here he comes."  
  
"Why am I doing this again?"  
  
"So that I can familiarize myself with his interests and look like the perfect significant other by the time I ask him out."  
  
"No, not that."  
  
"Naquadah."  
  
"Right."  
  
"Okay, just play it cool, all right?"  
  
"Sure, Janet."  
  
The door swung open and the doomed lieutenant strode in.  
  
"Oh my God, he's here! He-"  
  
The major grabbed Dr. Fraiser and shoved her off. "Play it cool, all right?" she echoed.  
  
"Ma'am," he muttered, snapping off a salute. "Good morning, airman, I'd like a large coffee, please."  
  
"Yes, sir." The airman moved off.  
  
"Good morning, Lieutenant. Richard Marcinko's ROGUE WARRIOR?" Carter asked pleasantly.  
  
"Um, yes, ma'am. I enjoy his novels."  
  
"You know, his Ten Commandments were all that kept me going through boot camp."  
  
" 'The more thou sweatest in training, the less thou bleedest in combat ' ?" he offered.  
  
"No, actually, 'There are no rules-thou shalt win at all costs.' " Carter grinned. "I figured the most field-expedient method was the method I'd actually use, so I cut every corner I could safely cut and took advantage of the situation as much as I could."  
  
Lieutenant Warner smiled back. "By the way, there's a meeting of the Rogue Warrior Discussion Group this Thursday. If you have time."  
  
"Uh-I'd love to. Thank you, Lieutenant."  
  
"No problem, ma'am. Thank you, airman." He paid and left.  
  
"Well? Tell me EVERYTHING."  
  
Carter looked at the diminutive doctor. "Janet, has anybody told you that you're acting like an excited schoolgirl?"  
  
"As if I listen to them."  
  
"Okay, well, he was," Carter paused momentarily, then continued, "very QUIET. I couldn't get anything out of him.But, don't worry, I'll keep trying, if it takes me days.weeks-" dreamily "-months!"  
  
"Thanks, Sam." Dr. Fraiser smiled cherubically. "Hey, still up for bowling Thursday?"  
  
Carter glanced away from the ceiling, startled. "Thursday! Um, actually, I was planning on trying to, um, discuss.things with the Lieutenant."  
  
"You're a lifesaver, Sam. Next time, huh?"  
  
"Yeah.next time."  
  
* * *  
  
Carter stood in front of her wardrobe, looking critically at her own reflection. She was stripping off a TINY black dress.  
  
"God, he'll think I'm a whore! This is a book club, for heaven's sake."  
  
She changed again. And again.  
  
* * *  
  
"What's she doing?" asked Colonel O'Neill.  
  
"Uh, right now? Dressing, I think. Jack, are you sure this is okay with her?"  
  
"Yeah, sure. Hey, give me that tape recorder, okay? I wanna see if I can catch anything about the date."  
  
"Date?"  
  
"Well, not in those words. But they're attending a seminar or something together, that's a date!"  
  
Dr. Jackson looked annoyed. "Jack, I'm sure it's a perfectly professional evening. Besides, why are we skulking around her house? I just got drenched by some freak ten-minute monsoon season, this is probably illegal, everything's wet and yucky, and I could be in my office with a cup of coffee translating those scrolls from P-"  
  
"Whatever you say, Space Monkey." Jack took the tape recorder and parabolic mike and moved towards the window. Under his breath, he muttered, "Yeah, and if Carter wears that little black dress to a perfectly professional evening seminar, I'll do a pole-dance on the White House flagpole."  
  
In his distraction, he didn't notice Carter until she pulled the front door open. "Sir? What are you doing here?"  
  
"Um." Jack thought furiously. It didn't help that the recorder had started making a soft chattering noise and wouldn't shut off. "My cat's sick."  
  
There was a long uncomfortable pause. "Sir? How does that bring you to my front porch?"  
  
"Well, I got lost. The owner of the cat gave me very specific directions, and, um-"  
  
"Sir, the vet's right across the street. It's the one with the, uh," she made a rectangular shaping motion with her hands, and a hint of sarcasm entered her voice, "big white sign saying 'Vetinarian-All Housepets Treated'?"  
  
"Well, you know, I can't use that one. You know how hard it is to find some good whiskey in this town," Jack bluffed, poking buttoms at random behind his back.  
  
"Whiskey, sir? I thought your cat was sick," Carter said, puzzled.  
  
"Yeah.yeah, it IS sick. Uh, wouldn't you know it, got into some methanol, so I've gotta go and give it some ethanol to occupy the enzymes before it breaks too much of the methanol down. The cat could go blind."  
  
From around the corner of the house, Dr. Jackson muttered, "How the hell does Jack know that?"  
  
"Hey, um, Carter, if you don't mind me asking, why are you wearing a tank top and those Arctic-issue pants? You getting hot flashes or something?"  
  
"Sir.no! I.I am NOT getting hot flashes! I'm just-If you must know, sir, I'm going on a date and I can't decide what to wear."  
  
"A date.Carter, you remember the frat regs, right?"  
  
"Yes, sir. It's with Lieutenant Warner, sir. He's not in my chain of command."  
  
"Is this the first?"  
  
"Uh, no sir. We've been talking and uh having lunch and.things for about a week now."  
  
"Hold on, didn't Her Most Liberal Needle-Applicator mention something about Lieutenant Warner?"  
  
"I didn't steal Janet's boyfriend!" Carter snapped, then calmed down. "I mean, he didn't even know her, right? So he was never her boyfriend, but sorta.up for grabs, if you know what I mean. Sir."  
  
"Actually.no. I don't know what you mean," Jack said. But, sensing a lecture, quickly added, "But, ah, as much as I'd like to sit here, and listen to you explain all the little nuances.I've got to go get the uh, whiskey, yeah, the whiskey for my cat now. That is, not my cat, but someone's cat. I'm looking after it. And I have to go get some whiskey.Bye, Major." Jack beat a hasty retreat, waited until he was half-way down the block and Carter's door had closed, then whooped loudly.  
  
"Jack.are you okay? And since when do you have a cat?"  
  
"I don't. But I overheard them in the cafeteria.it's a long story. How do I stop this stupid thing?"  
  
"You.push.STOP.it's that big white square."  
  
"Oh, yeah."  
  
"Jack, what are you going to do with this?"  
  
Jack grinned. "Danny boy, has the ole Kaiser Herr Doktor Janet Fraiser been mistreating you lately? You know, big needles, lots of poking and prodding where no fingers, no matter how powdered and sterilized and latex-gloved, should poke and prod.that sort of thing?"  
  
"Jack, Kaiser means Emperor, Herr is the equivalent of Mister, and Doktor mean Doctor. So you just said 'Emperor Mr. Doctor Janet Fraiser.' "  
  
"Well, fine, just let yourself get mired down in such mundane punctilio like accurate translations, Space Monkey. But I'm telling you, we show this to her, and she'll be too busy terrorizing the good major to bother with us small fry." Jack smiled proudly.  
  
"Sure.except for three things. Our next mission isn't for a week, by which time she'll have already exacted her revenge upon Sam. Then Sam is just going to find out and then it'll be PMS-season two weeks early. But most of all.Jack, Sam's our teammate. We can't sic Janet on her! Do you want to carry that around for the rest of your life? First Air Force Colonel to cause the base medical staff to kill his second in command over a date?"  
  
"Okay, okay, I'll work on the delivery. But this tape here, you see, is our ticket to freedom."  
  
"What tape?"  
  
"This-SONOFABITCH!" Jack screamed suddenly, whirling and charging back down the street after the missing tape, which was happily riding the road-gutter express toward a storm drain.  
  
"The tape's probably ruined!" Daniel called helpfully. "I hear water's bipolar nature does some freaky things with magnetic coatings!"  
  
"Come.back..ta ma'd." he growled, launching into a brilliant stream of foreign paint-remover. He threw himself down on top of the tape mere feet from the storm drain, then dragged it out of the water. "Gotcha!"  
  
Daniel sighed. Looked like his accidental little bump of the tape recorder wasn't going to help. "Come on, I'll help you clean it off. You wouldn't believe what some tapes survived during that Mayan expedition through the Amazon. Of course, those were sealed and the tape was silmanal powder, which is somewhat harder magnetically than these things, but the principles should be the same."  
  
* * *  
  
"Hey, Janet." Jack poked his head into the room.  
  
"What can I do for you, Colonel?" Janet didn't look up from the microscope.  
  
"Oh.just thought you'd like this Go-Bar." Jack walked up to her, a large "door-buster" crowbar in hand.  
  
"What would I need a Go-Bar for? Those things can't manage anything more delicate than bashing locks in." Janet made a vague shoo-shoo motion as she switched slides.  
  
"Oh.I don't know.opening crates.killing Major Carter.I'm sure you'll think of something."  
  
" 'Killing Major Carter' ? Jack, maybe you should switch painkillers. Some people do get some disorientation from-"  
  
"Just for stealing your Lieutenant Warner."  
  
"What? For your information, Jack, she's not stealing him, I asked her to-" Janet stopped as Jack started to play the tape recorder in his other hand.  
  
"-sir, I'm going on a date and I can't decide what to wear.  
  
A date.Carter, you remember the frat regs, right?  
  
Yes, sir. It's with Lieutenant Warner, sir. He's not in my chain of command.  
  
Is this the first?  
  
Uh, no sir. We've been talking and uh having lunch and.things for about a week now.  
  
Hold on, didn't [static] mention something about Lieutenant Warner?  
  
I didn't steal Janet's boyfriend! I mean, he didn't even know her, right? So he was never her boyfriend, but sorta.up for grabs, if you know what I mean. Sir."  
  
Janet took a deep breath. "Oh.my."  
  
Jack rewound the tape and played it again.  
  
"-sir, I'm going on a date and I can't decide what to wear.  
  
A date.Carter, you remember the frat regs, right?  
  
Yes, sir. It's with Lieutenant Warner, sir. He's not in my chain of command.  
  
Is this the first?  
  
Uh, no sir. We've been talking and uh having lunch and.things for about a week now.  
  
Hold on, didn't [static] mention something about Lieutenant Warner?  
  
I didn't steal Janet's boyfriend! I mean, he didn't even know her, right? So he was never her boyfriend, but sorta.up for grabs, if you know what I mean. Sir."  
  
The doctor took another breath. "Jack.rest assured, you will not go unrewarded."  
  
He smirked. "How about all my physicals done by the interns, for starters?"  
  
"Done."  
  
"Wonderful.and Daniel and Teal'c too, if you don't mind."  
  
"Sure.when I get my-"  
  
"Want the Go-Bar?" He offered it again.  
  
An evil look appeared on the woman's face. "Oh, no," she breathed. "You see, I have to fix her up again. And besides.there is no nonlethal injury that won't eventually heal. But emotional scars.now those are eternal."  
  
"Janet, would you cut that breathy voice off? You're really scaring me." Jack started to back up.  
  
She grabbed the phone on the wall. "Operator? May I speak to Lieutenant Warner, please? Mess hall? Patch me through.thank you."  
  
She toyed with the cord, smirking. "Lieutenant Warner.yes, this is Dr. Fraiser. It's come to my attention that you're having, uh, off-base relations with Major Carter.No, that's fine.yes, I know you're in separate chains of command.Well, I just thought you should know.before you commit yourself.no, this isn't about the PMS.you see, Major SAMUEL Carter.Very well. Just so you understand.and it's confidential information, so I'd prefer you didn't tell anybody.thank you. No problem. B'bye!"  
  
She hung up.  
  
"D-did you just do what I think you did?" Jack asked, face pale.  
  
"That Sam's name is actually SAMUEL? And the rest of her person matches the connotations of that name? Oh, yes, Colonel. Yes." She smiled and rubbed her hands together.  
  
* * *  
  
"Okay, Daniel, let's check this over again."  
  
"Jack, we've checked it over five times.why am I doing this? Why am I helping my CO spy on his second in command's date?"  
  
"Because you don't like the doctor's rather.brusque injection technique either."  
  
"This is still wrong."  
  
"All right, she's coming. Go get us some beer and fries." Jack clicked the recorder on and pointed the microphone, stuffing the real-time monitoring plug into one ear.  
  
"Hey, David." She sat down.  
  
Daniel plopped a beer, a foot-tall coffee, and a large basket of French fries down on the table.  
  
"Morning, Sam. Look, we need to talk." Lieutenant Warner leaned in slightly.  
  
"Well.sure. What do you want to talk about?"  
  
"I think you know, Sam."  
  
Carter gave him a puzzled look. "No, I don't. What happened?"  
  
"Major.Call me old-fashioned.but I'd like to have children."  
  
"What? NOW?"  
  
Warner suddenly looked as if he'd spent the last few days under a strong sun without a hat. "No, no! I mean, HAVE CHILDREN. With.born of.my significant other."  
  
"Well, so would I, but our situation doesn't exactly accommodate that."  
  
"Well, that's it exactly. I'd like someone I could reproduce with."  
  
"A civilian, you mean. Who doesn't run off to other planets every week."  
  
Jack sipped his beer. "This is gonna be good."  
  
"Well.I was thinking a girl."  
  
Jack's beer exited at high velocity from a respiratory orifice. There was a long pause, during which he stuff a handful of fries into his mouth to stop the giggles.  
  
"And what am I? Neuter?"  
  
"Well.Dr. Fraiser told me.about your last exam."  
  
Carter paled. "You mean I'm infertile?"  
  
"I think you know what I mean.Samuel."  
  
Jack's fries departed in a similar manner. Daniel raised his laminated plastic menu defensively, swallowing forcefully.  
  
"Samuel.YOU THINK I'M A MAN? HOW COULD YOU MISTAKE-"  
  
"Well, sir, between all that make-up and the fake breasts-"  
  
Carter stood up. "These are real breasts, thank you very much!" she snarled, pointing with a finger.  
  
Heads turned and Jack stuffed a mess of napkins into his mouth. He turned red with strain and still let out a few giggles.  
  
Carter glanced around and barked, "Return to your meals-this is a private conversation!"  
  
"Sir, I have no prejudice against homosexuality-"  
  
Daniel stood up and started moving out. Unfortunately, the table was right by the door, and Sam spotted him.  
  
"Daniel! Come here!" It was not an invitation.  
  
"Uh, hi, Sam."  
  
"Tell the lieutenant my name."  
  
"Uh, Sam? Your name is Sam."  
  
Carter grabbed him, one hand on his collar, the other around his neck. "WHAT IS MY NAME?!" she screamed, shaking Daniel so hard his head bounced back and forth like a Noddy doll.  
  
"Sir! Unhand that man, or I'll file those sexual harassment charges I should've filed the moment you started your little hints!"  
  
Sam's grip loosened, and Daniel ran out the door. "What?" she asked incredulously.  
  
"Sir, I knew the moment you started that little 'taking advantage of my situation' spiel what you were up to, but I was scared. But you have stepped over the line, sir, when you assaulted that gentleman, and you may rest assured the General will hear of this!" He ran out.  
  
Jack's napkin's sprayed out, and he collapsed over the cracked vinyl seat, laughing uproariously.  
  
"Sir?" Carter asked, turning in astonishment.  
  
"Oh, crap. I was, uh, getting some beer for the cat?" he squeaked, and, vaulting the table, he sprinted for the door like his life depended on it.  
  
* * *  
  
Carter was in her office with her head in her arms when Janet cracked the door open. She flopped over and raised one rudely-awoken hand in limp greeting.  
  
"Hi, Sam. I'm really sorry-"  
  
"Why did you tell him I was male?"  
  
Janet thought fast. Faking astonishment, she asked, "What?"  
  
"You said my name was Samuel Carter," she paused in mid-wail to hiccup, "and that I was.was MALE!"  
  
"Samuel Carter.no wonder Jack started asking me all those questions about my interns and tape-recording the whole thing!"  
  
Sam wiped her cheeks. "What?"  
  
"Yeah! I used to work with this English guy way back in med school, his name was Samuel Carter," Janet continued, sensing escape. "I bet he recorded my voice and cut it up to make the message!"  
  
She stared momentarily, tear-fuzzled brain adjusting. "You mean.you didn't do it to get back at me for stealing your boyfriend?"  
  
Escape was at hand! "Of course not. He never even knew me. He was, you know, up for grabs." And now I've grabbed him, she added silently. Getting Lieutenant Warner made up for Sam cutting her off.and more.  
  
Sam smiled in relief, just as a very loud voice started blaring from the PA system.  
  
"-sir, I'm going on a date and I can't decide what to wear."  
  
Now was the time to divert her anger to a safer subject. "Wanna get back at them?" Janet suggested.  
  
"Jack is going down." 


End file.
